So here's our desperate plan: we're going out, for the first time in either of our little lives, into the despair that is Black Friday. We'll drive around until we find a sports supplier in need of a mob. Then we'll rush in, waving our arms and making lots of noise (so as to give the impression that there are more of us) and run straight to the ellipticals. We'll pick the one with the best stride length and degree of incline and assure the salesperson that we have the money for it; we just don't know where exactly we put it.

Surely any salesperson worth their sale-salt will see what good consumers we are and reward us with an interest-free loan and free delivery on-the-spot. Right? That's how companies do business. Right? Chicken Farmer?

CHEAP EATS continued...

Huh?