alt.sex.column: Mismatch

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Dear Andrea:

My boyfriend has a fetish which, initially, is pretty off-putting. All the advice says to just go with it and make it part of our sex life, which I have done. But it doesn't really seem to help. He can tell it's not really my thing, so we hardly ever have sex now. He just doesn't seem to be into it if it isn't fetishy, and it's started to seem like work (to both of us) to try to include his special stuff.

I think he wants to be with someone who is really into it, but he says he loves me. What am I supposed to do now?

Love,

Trying

Dear Try:

My, aren't you mysterious! Not only do the readers and I want to know exactly what kind of "special stuff" your boyfriend is so fond of, it might also prove relevant to whatever solution I might be able to come up with for you. I say "might" a lot because I might as well get right to it and admit that I think this is probably hopeless. But I still want to know what he's into. It's important!

Oh well. I'm guessing this may be something like adult baby/diapers. Or those amazing inflatable suits some people wear and bump each other around in, except probably not those because you simply could not have witnessed (let alone worn) one of those inflatable suits and neglected to mention it.

One generally believes that with good will and good communication, one can make anything work. But one is often wrong. I don't think this is going to work because you have done the only thing that does work, the thing I would have assigned to you as homework had you not already completed it as independent study: you read up on his "thing" and got yourself up for trying it and did try it, repeatedly.

So you incorporate his fetish into mutual sex and he isn't all that thrilled. And he isn't much interested in pursuing his thingie on the side, online with his special thingie friends while being otherwise available to and into you ... yeah. That is a sex life waiting politely to be put out of its misery. I'm sorry.

If you don't mind your personal plight being turned into a PSA, let me pause here for a second to ask kinks and the like to take as much time as they need to come to terms with their true natures but do not drag innocent, unsuitable would-be partners along for the ride. It is understandable, but ultimately, it isn't kind. Your boyfriend probably meant well. But his kink is not the sort that can be easily absorbed into a mixed marriage.

I believe he loves you. I hope that means he'll be really good at the "still being friends" stuff when it comes time to still be friends. And I'll be very nice and wish him a simpatico kinky playmate, later, so you don't have to. For you, I wish a partner who doesn't wish you to be one bit different from who you are.

Love,

Andrea

Got a question? Email Andrea at andrea@mail.altsexcolumn.com

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