SUPER EGO Bad gay hair is back! From Chris Crocker's "Leave Britney Alone!" bilevel blond bob apocalypse to Perez Hilton's ever-changing lamebow of neon locks (bitch looks as though the Planet Unicorn creatures from YouTube exploded on her giant head), the homo hair horrors of the past are rising like silk-shirted, Daisy Duked zombies, tearing through a screen near you. Pull up a Rent-a-Center white vinyl sectional and dig into a plate of fried wig. These are the Famous Gays of Our Moment. This is our culture. So fuck your stinkin' herbal Fructis plaster me with Queen Helene, suck me into Manic Panic, pump me up like L'Oreal. I wanna be fa-mousse.
Speaking of Planet Unicorn: I went to Oakland. This column's become San Franciscocentric (not to mention gayer than a third grade playground), and I almost feel guilty. There's a Bay full of hot boys out there! So, over Labor Day weekend, me and Hunky Beau saddled up the ol' BART which, in a windfall for stoned revelers, was running 24 hours a day and high-tailed it to Bench and Bar, Oakland's premier queer downtown dance palace for lusty Latinos.
There we found a proud brown Urban Cowboy wonderland. Saturdays play host to La Bota Loca, an overflowing evening for lithesome vaqueros in white Stetsons and kicky Tony Lamas hopping to regional Mexican hits and line-dancing to the Spanish version of "Achy Breaky Heart" ("Mi Pobre Corazón"). I recently bemoaned the lack of queer club nights where I could polka my pixie boots off to norteño and banda music. This is where I finally got a joyous earful of Sinaloense, Duranguense, and "Hey, what'd he say?" I've got to learn española.
The 3 a.m. BART ride home was a party. Hazy hyphy kids, tattooed punk nymphs, cowboy-hatted queens, and various future rehabbers piled on to cause unique havoc on the SF streets. Unfortunately, the car with the portable DJ setup was packed we'd have to squeeze in next to the drunken Cal rugby team, stripping off their shirts and challenging one another to wrestling matches. Hurriedly we acquiesced.
MUCHO MACHO MALMÖ Much like the "Gabbo is coming!" ads on The Simpsons, a mysterious, gaudy poster has been plastered about the city, causing much flurry and flutter. On it, a slick-mulleted playboy with an Angelina-forearm-thin mustache is flanked by two busty blonds in spandex strips. Giant text screams "Günther LIVE!!!" Who? What? Why?
"Is this some kind of joke?" Hunky Beau asked aloud when he first saw it. But really, isn't that the cry of a dance floor generation?
In the tradition of, er, Fischer Spooner and Junior Senior, Günther traffics in the kind of poker-faced genius ambiguity that kicks your ass on the dance floor while shoving your tongue far enough into your cheek to block your bowels. (Although maybe that's the coke.) Günther's first huge release, "The Ding Dong Song," rides an infectious beat so stereotypically generic techno that it comes out the other side of awful, emerging into brilliance. It's about his dick. He calls his dick his "tra la la." His press release describes it as a "gangling manhood." I e-mailed him immediately.
"My massage is love," he wrote back from Malmö, Sweden, where he resides. "I start my day off surrounded by Sunshine Girls" his writhing lesbotronic backup vocalists "have a champagne breakfast, and spread my massage of champagne, love, sex, glamour, and respect! I have always lived my own glamorous, sexy life of fun!!!" Who could argue?